hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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