Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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