Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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