new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Randomize
