So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
