Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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