Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
