Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
