I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I can't put those talents on a resume
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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