Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
