My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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