Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Is Oprah even human
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
