Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My friends, they love my intelligence
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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