I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
