i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
