god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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