Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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