I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Randomize
