I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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