we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
you inspire me to be a worse person
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
