i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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