i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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