You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
