Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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