After last night, I could never be a politician.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
