I'm sorry my penis didn't work
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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