did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Do you still have your period?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
