Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
