I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
