just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
