my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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