Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
