my phone needs a breathalizer
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
