I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize