You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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