So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
