I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize