K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
