Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
