Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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