if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
