YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
