He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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