i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
