the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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