You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
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