I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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