you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize