dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
