I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
