i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize