mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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