I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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