My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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