I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
