the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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