I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
