just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
