If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just want to make out with him forever
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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