The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You smell like a Billy Joel song
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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