cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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