God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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