I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Randomize
