my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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