i don't like sucking hair
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize